Truth is the highest virtue; Higher still is true living.
Guru Nanak (Guru Granth Sahib, p. 62)

As humanity welcomes the dawn of the twenty-first century, the world's only super- power finds itself with an unfortunate malady. Half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. Religious and social leaders in the West are appalled at this breakdown of the family and are fighting hard to help rebuild it. After all, the great Western culture was built on a very strong sense of family and social responsibilities. Even the liberal sociologists who until recently held the view that divorce has minimal impact on the future generation now are rethinking the effects of this social rot. In this rich and resourceful country it is estimated that three-fourths of adult men have no regular contact with children. Other developed countries of the West are not far behind. And even traditionally highly family-oriented developing countries are beginning to see the initial stages of this disease develop.

Indeed the most difficult battles faced by men of today's societies are not the high-tech nuclear and biological battles, but the battle within their homes. And like the cold-war, these battles also have only losers. The man may be able to put on a powerful facade for the outside world, but finds his children ripping off his mask and puncturing his parachute.

Men who have won against incredible odds in the battlefield, who have built giant businesses, who have penned inspiring books, who have reached pinnacles in the arts and sciences, find themselves running scared from their own families. The thought of hugging their own sons is so terrifying to some men that entire psychological therapies have been developed to overcome this fear and resultant guilt.

The household is in deed the ultimate test by fire of manhood.

All of the Sikh Gurus who reached marriageable age got married and raised families. They witnessed the ups and downs of family life first-hand. This is in contrast to most philosophers and founders of many religions who either had no children, no relations with a woman or may have abandoned their families in search of "truth." How could such men present a positive view of family life in general and of women in particular? The Sikh religion firmly believes that there is complete compatibility between a householder¹s life and a high spiritual life. In fact the Sikh Gurus were quite critical of men who tortured their bodies by denying it its physical needs and took to the forest in search of nirvana.

Family life cannot be blissful if the man looks upon his wife and children as his property. If so he will fret if his wife uses her own mind. Or if his children question his decisions. For a blissful life, the man has to abandon his `I know best' attitude and look at his family as a gift from the Almighty. A gift to be nurtured.

Family in Jeopardy
What is the cause of such widespread breakdown of families in the developed countries? Experts point to two key reasons:
(i) The growing independence (social and economic) of women and the inability of men to reconcile to their new status;
(ii) An economic system that has brought the concepts of capitalism (concepts that have provided such abundance for humanity in most cases) right into the family-life decisions. When family decisions are based on maximizing financial profit, the "unproductive" children (and sometimes non-income-earning wife) become liabilities. And it becomes financially seductive to abandon the liabilities.

The woman is also subjected to the same seduction as the man and may often opt for the path of least resistance. And sometimes this may mean self over family. However, due to the mother's biologically different role in the family, it is less likely that the mother will abandon the children. Nevertheless, the web that encourages self-gratification snares both men and women.

He is King among kings, Yogi among yogis.
An ascetic among ascetics, indulgent in the household.
Through His meditation devotees find peace.
Nanak, for that person no limits exist.
(GGS)

From Me-Based to Us-Based
One of the central messages of the Guru Granth Sahib is the need to control haumaii or the me-based life. Nowhere is this need greater than in ensuring a happy family life. As our lives become more intertwined with the interests of global market forces and international conglomerates, the need for an us-based value system is critical if the family is to remain intact and happy. And without a strong family the next generation of humanity will be lost.

A distinguished economics professor (Professor Lester C. Thurow) at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology recently conducted a study to document the economic benefits to a man who abandons his family! While the professor was making a point that purely economics driven decisions are incompatible with intact families and was by no means advocating divorce, his study sheds important light on what happens when me-based value systems pervade our lives.

If indeed the man in the family (usually the higher earner) places his own welfare above that of his children and wife, he quickly comes to the conclusions which the MIT professor found. The first conclusion is that children are profit sinks and deplete the family of wealth (counted in dollars). If the man continues his thinking along these lines and takes a path consistent with this thinking, he sees no room for children in his life. If however, he has already had children, he sees a great value in divorcing the family. This motivation is strengthened since his mindset has also ensured that he has very poor relations with his children.

It is clear that if men are to prove the MIT professor's verdict incorrect, they have to replace their me-based decisions with us-based decisions. It may be more attractive for the me-based man to go to a bar with his buddies, but for the us-based man it would appear more enjoyable to play with his son. It may be more pleasing for the me-based man to watch four hours of sports on the television, but for the us-based man, a visit to a park with his family would seem more pleasurable.

If one¹s mind is saturated with worries, the body is ravaged with disease.
Household responsibilities have engulfed; now there is joy, now sorrow.
Four continents are traveled, but not a spot to rest.
Let the Creator into the heart; mind and body are at peace.
Guru Arjan Dev (GGS p. 70)